120+ Really Cool Funny Quotes & Sayings

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top funny quotes

Want to send hilarious, funny quotes and sayings to someone you know? We’ve compiled a list of 120+ really hilarious quotes that you can send to anyone you know, starting with just the first 60.

Ultimate Collection of “120+ Quotes That Will Make Your Day” by Awesoroo

1. “You are 100% unique and special – just like everyone else I know.”

2. “You’ll never get out of life alive, so don’t take it too seriously.”

3. “A day without sunshine is no different than the night.”

4. “What makes a successful woman? A woman that can spend more money than a successful man makes.”

5. “Make sure you know your facts so that you can distort them later.”

6. “You wouldn’t sit for a month if you could kick the person responsible for your troubles in the pants.”

7. “I might be a drunk, but when I am sober, you’ll still be ugly.”

8. “There’s no fun in agreement; it simply kills the chatter.”

9. “I’m on my way – although I don’t know where I am going.”

10. “Why is a woman’s mind cleaner than a man’s? She changes it often.”

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11. “Who’s the best person to borrow money from? A pessimist. They won’t expect it back anyway.”

12. “The right speech is like a skirt: short enough to create interest and long enough to cover the areas that matter.”

13. “Coincidence is God’s disguise.”

14. “Einstein said there is a difference between genius and stupidity – genius has limits.”

15. “Education is the only thing that interferes with learning.”

16. “I want to live poor, but with a lot of money in the bank.”

17. “Why paint pictures that make sense when the world is in disarray?”

18. “Money doesn’t make you happy. I was happy when I had $80, and I am happy having $90.”

19. “I have my own opinions, but don’t agree on them, or they may change.”

20. “Old people always poke you at weddings and say “you’re next.” When I go to a funeral, I am going to poke them and say “you’re next.””

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21. “The worst place to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

22. “Name the presidents? Don’t they have their own names?”

23. “I am not me. I am drunk.”

24. “I’m selling a parachute. It’s been used once and never been opened; there’s a small stain.”

25. “How many people work here? Only about ½ of them.”

26. “I refuse to answer any question I don’t know the answer to.”

27. “Temptation is the only thing I can’t resist.”

28. “Money is the key to happiness. Worst case scenario, if you have enough money, you can buy the key.”

29. “Everyone should accept who they are. Except you. You’re crazy.”

30. “The worst two minutes of my life were when I tried to be normal.”

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31. “May your Monday be short, and your coffee be strong.”

32. “There will come a day when young people make fun of the old you.”

33. ““Just kidding” is the one lie I keep telling that all of these fools keep believing.”

34. ““Nothing is impossible.” Well, I do a great damn job of doing nothing most of the day – and I get paid to do it.”

35. “I was about to have a battle of wits with you, but it’s not right to have a battle with an unarmed man.”

36. “Procrastinate is a game, and I am a “pro” at it.”

37. “This will be known as the era when smartphones were created and started the race of the human zombies.”

38. “There are two things that I see every day: stupid people and stupid people on smartphones.”

39. “It’s all fun and games until the cops are called. Now, it’s a game of hide and seek with, hopefully, no winner.”

40. “Killing people is wrong, but we kill people that have killed other people because killing bad people is accepted.”

41. “I think it’s time I go take a hot shower. It is just like a normal shower until I get in it.”

42. “Math has completely taken over my life. Here I am, trying to make more money, lose more weight, divide my time while multiplying it, and I am completely lost half of the time.”

43. “If the world didn’t suck so much, we would float off into outer space.”

44. “There are three times when you can’t hold a person to their word: when they’re drunk, when they’re running for office, and when they’re in love.”

45. “Everyone thinks that no one in the world thinks that they’re important until they stop paying their bills.”

46. “It’s easy to admire the patience of the driver behind you, but impossible to admire the patience of the driver ahead of you – step on the gas already.”

47. “How can anyone say that they’re perfect when we all have a crack in our ass?”

48. “Everyone says that they want to save enough money to live comfortably for the rest of their lives. I have enough money to life comfortably – until the end of the week at least.”

49. “Every morning that you wake up, you want to make the devil say “oh crap, she is awake.””

50. “They always say that silence is golden, but I found out that duct tape is silver and it seems to work just as well.”

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51. “I would pay attention if I wasn’t so broke.”

52. “When you think about it, friendship is kind of like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but you’ll be the only one that can truly feel it.”

53. “You will find a lot of people who are willing to help you move for a slice of pizza, but only your best friend will help you move a dead body.”

54. “The only one that will lay your life down for the country is yourself – and your local politician.”

55. “In business, tomorrow is always the busiest day of the week.”

56. “There is only one person that you have to check your calendar for before scheduling an appointment – death.”

57. ““You’re one in a million.” Big deal! There are still 6,000 other people in the world that are just like you.”

58. “Alarm clocks only ensure one thing: that you wake up in the morning having a heart attack.”

59. “I would rather try to smell the number 9 than try to understand what you’re saying.”

60. “Want to know the truth about parents? Parents hire babysitters that are trying to act like adults, while the adults go out and try to act like a bunch of teenagers. It’s a never-ending cycle of trying to be younger and older.”

61. “I got the best compliment today. I walked out to my car and found a note from someone that says “Parking fine.” They must have really admired my parking job.”

62. “Everyone says that I lack ambition, but I did a few researchers to get that information.”

63. “Home Alone is the best movie to watch backwards. You’re shown a story of two men that are helped by a young kid that put out traps before he cleans them up and gets yelled at by his parents.”

64. “Don’t you miss the old days when you liked someone and all you had to do was chase them on the playground?”

65. “I never get into fights with ugly people – they have nothing to lose.”

66. “You can push a person to do anything – but make it through a door that says “pull.””

67. “I am a writer, and the hardest part of the day is not getting distracted by the Internet. The other 1% is all about inspiration.”

68. “It’s an enigma. You see only happy singles when you’re dating and happy couples when you’re single.”

69. “I’m not fat. Nature is just saying that I am so good, there should be more of me.”

70. “Sarcasm is a natural defense mechanism against stupidity.”

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71. “Being stupid in love means you’ve fallen so head over heels that you got brain damage.”

72. “What’s the one thing every successful student has? A Facebook that is deactivated.”

73. “Facebook isn’t a diary where you only post your life’s disappointments and failures.”

74. “Falling on your face is good for you as long as you keep going forward.”

75. “Stress can only come from three things: family, money and family with no money.”

76. “Love is kind of like a fart; if you have to force your love, it’s probably crap.”

77. “Staying positive is easy when all you keep doing is falling on your face.”

78. “Relationships that don’t end well all start the same way: he is so different. But they always end with: “he is just like the rest.””

79. “There is no difference between a bully at school and upper level management at work.”

80. “The only good women that exist are all already taken.”

81. “You never want to argue with a fool because he will be doing the same thing.”

82. “Thank God you’re not intelligent. At least you never have to act.”

83. “Everyone calls it schizophrenia. I just think of it as having my own social network with the people that matter most to me.”

84. “The large print has a way of giving you everything you could possibly want, while the small print has a way of taking it all away.”

85. “The moment that scientists find the center of the universe, there will be a lot of people that are upset that they’re not in it.”

86. “I have left my past behind me. P.S. If I owe you money, I have already moved on.”

87. “Fools are the only people that seems to live forever. They just don’t understand dying.”

88. “Love is the hourglass that fills up, and quickly pours out taking all of a man’s money.”

89. “Financially, I am not ready for Christmas. But I am ready for all the presents I will get.”

90. “Men have a life that is amazing. First, we believe in Santa Claus, then we don’t believe in Santa Claus, and then when we have kids, we are Santa Claus.”

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91. “The best way to explain intelligence is to sit down and point out all of the idiots.”

92. “The beautiful women that play hard to get are the same ones who pray the hardest to get a husband.”

93. “Rich men aren’t stupid; they are the only ones that will get another man to spend their minutes on them.”

94. “Bank accounts are the true evidence of how badly I can manage my finances.”

95. “There are many ways to argue with a woman, but none of them work for me.”

96. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – until they say something stupid, and you have to punch them in the eye.”

97. “Best friends are the only people that cheer you on when you’re angry and try to get you to punch someone else in the face.”

98. “Having two children made me realize that I need to hire a referee.”

99. “Being a women is a tough job; we always have to deal with men.”

100. “I have lost a lot of things in life, but the one thing I miss the most is my mind.”

101. “My parents would be so proud of me if Facebook and Twitter were all school subjects.”

102. “Everyone says life is short, but who took the measurements?”

103. “The saying goes, “no matter how hot she is, there is someone tired of dealing with her sh**.””

104. “You become very good at fractions when you grow up with siblings.”

105. “I may be the oddest person among a group, but I am the gold tooth that shines the most.”

106. “Women are just like telephones. They love when you talk to them and hold them, but if you press the wrong buttons, you’ll be disconnected.”

107. “I would pray for strength, but I am too afraid I will throw you out of the window.”

108. “You know the way I look at chocolate cake? That is how I want people to look at me.”

109. “Geniuses can’t answer the questions of a stupid person.”

110. “You may not like my sarcasm, but I don’t like your stupidity.”

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111. “People that know the least about you always think they know the most.”

112. “I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship with someone that lives in my future.”

113. “When life gives me lemons, I patiently wait for the person that has vodka to come along, so we can have a party.”

114. “You can be the smartest person in the world, but you’ll never be able to convince a stupid man that he’s stupid.”

115. “I am the best person in the world at keeping secrets. I will forget what you say two minutes from now.”

116. “Dating an ex is like failing a test that you already have the answers to.”

117. “There’s always a person that thinks you’re flirting with them when you’re just being nice.”

118. “There’s one advantage to exercising every day: you’ll die healthier.”

119. “You can keep rolling your eyes, so hopefully, you find a brain back there.”

120. “If you can’t find a problem, look in the mirror and stare it right in the face.”

121. “Women must get so tired with putting on two faces in the morning.”

122. “Sometimes, the other person is an idiot and doesn’t take the first step to forgiveness.”

123. “Laughter is the best medicine until they put you on medicine.”

124. “True friends are those that never judge another person while they’re alone.”

125. “Facebook is a game that everyone plays with a face of caring and compassion although they don’t really care.”

126. “Good friends are the friends that never let you make a stupid decision while you’re alone.”

127. “I will be there the moment karma hits you in the face – just in case it needs a little help.”

128. “Politicians have a way of promising the world while taking away every last penny you have.”

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